From the Diary of Lucy A. Doyle

Happy birthday to ME!

2005-08-31T04:09:44Z

It's 12:03 a.m., which means I am now OFFICIALLY 16 years old.

Which means that I can now OFFICIALLY drive a car.

I managed to save $1200 from my summer job (not sure how, but I did) SO my parents said if I go halfsies on the insurance I can use the Taurus (but not the van). And I can only use it on weekends when neither parent needs it. But. It's a start.

Party this weekend at Lori Pfefferminz's - I was worried Mom would be sad I wasn't having the party here but I think she's relieved, what with all the boxes from Hannah and Cass's stuff. I do hope that Mom will watch Cassidy on Saturday so Hannah and Jack can come by my party. They've been hanging out a bit more - maybe because as of Sunday she will no longer be living with us?

Need to go to bed - am actually looking forward to school tomorrow because it's MY BIRTHDAY!

Six days and counting ....

2005-08-25T16:47:06Z

I can't believe how long it's been since I've written in this thing. It's like the whole summer has happened and I haven't recorded a single second of it. But you know, it's hard. I'm busy. I work now. I have cheerleading practice three days a week. I like to spend time with my friends. And then I stay up half the night on the phone with Jesse, who I think may like me but who hasn't made any sort of real move. So, I keep making out with Nicholas and waiting for Jesse to get it together enough to ask me out on a real date.

But.

The big news is that in six days I will be SIXTEEN YEARS OLD and I will have my DRIVER'S LICENSE. And Hannah and Cassidy are moving out at the end of the month, which is both good and bad. Good because as much as I love Cass, I hate being the live-in default babysitter. (I don't even get paid for it!) And as much as I love Hannah, she's made it pretty clear that she's disappointed in some of the choices I've made in terms of friends and boys and her disapproval both hurts AND pisses me off. I mean, come on: it's not like I've morphed into some superslut. I've still got my morals. And I'm still a virgin, for god's sake, which is more than I can say about most of my friends (girls and boys).

So Jack is moving into Hannah's room (aka the room that used to be mine), but he'll graduate in the spring and then my parents have said he has to be OUT by next August. So then it will be just me and Brody again, and I'll only have one more year at Haley before I leave for college, and OH MY GOD, I'm going to be SIXTEEN and a JUNIOR and I'm only TWO YEARS AWAY FROM COLLEGE.

I was thinking about what I was like two years ago, when Ally and I were still best friends and I was just starting at Haley and feeling all nervous about having to follow in Jack's footsteps, and missing him like crazy and only JUST beginning to notice boys (er, I guess I should say BOY, as in TOBIN). I was so insecure, like, ALL of the time, and I was such a klutz, and I was always embarassed about something. And now it's different. I mean, I'm still a klutz, and I still love my ass of a brother like crazy, and I still feel totally insecure in a bikini, even though my boobs grew in pretty okay last summer. But. I don't know. My mother would say that I'm comfortable in my own skin, for the most part, and I guess I agree. I like who I am. I don't regret breaking up with Tobin, and I don't regret having a summer fling thing with Nicholas. I like that Jesse and I are becoming friends first, because if we end up going out it won't be about the kissing or the "when am I going to get some" thing - at least not right away. I mean, he's SO nice. His older brother is kind of a jerk, but he's also sort of funny so I don't mind him too much. And his sister is this angry skater chick who, upon meeting me, told me, "You and me - we will never be friends, so don't even bother."

Amazing that Jesse could grow up so ... I don't know. Sane? With siblings like that, I mean.

Gotta go - Mom has the rare day off and is taking me school clothes shopping. I actually like shopping with her. It sounds like it should be lame, but she makes it fun. We go get fancy coffee drinks and try on ugly sunglasses together and pick out underwear we wouldn't be caught dead in (mostly thongs, which I swear I'll never wear, even though Lori has pointed out that I have at least two pairs of shorts that would benefit from me wearing one).

More next week, as I will have to recount the events of my SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY. (Woo hoo!)

Packing my bags, getting the heck out of Dodge.

2005-07-15T16:08:32Z

It's been a long time, yo.

This summer is sweeping by me so freaking fast, I can hardly catch my breath. I'm working 25 hours a week at Rita's, and most of my shifts are with Nicholas, this guy I'm sort of seeing. I say "sort of" because we only really hang out at work or after. It's not like with Tobin, where he met my entire family within 30 seconds of me getting a crush on him. But it's not skanky, either, like I wouldn't want to bring him around. I will. Eventually.

God, is he a good kisser.

But there's this other guy, too, who works at the Sip-n-Stop across the street. His name is Jesse and he's very serious and very, very cute. He's in my grade but we never have any classes together because he's a certified brainiac and I'm, you know, average. Lori likes tormenting me by making me go in and then making widly inappropriate comments to Jesse, until my face turns tomato red and I have to practically bolt out the door.

It's easier with Nicholas, I think. He doesn't go to Haley - which is a big plus - and even though he's technically three years older than me, he's only going into his senior year at Chelsea. He got held back a grad because of mono or something. I don't know. I don't really care. I just like making out with him. Especially when I'm sitting on the freezer unit and he stands in front of me and I sort of wrap my ankles around his waist. It's sooooo hot.

Anyway.

I'm packing my bags for a week away at - get this - CHEERLEADING CAMP. Yes, it's true. I'm going to a week-long overnight cheerleading camp in the Poconos. The bus leaves in about two hours and then it's one solid week free of my parents, of work, of Baby Cass, of the constant bickering between Jack and Hannah. One of them needs to move out, like, STAT. I try to stay out of the house as much as possible because it's just so tense there. Plus, Mom's having a hard time at work and she's been taking the bitch factor home with her. AND she wants me to be 12. We fought for three hours straight about her taking me to get my learner's permit last month. Hello? I turn 16 in, like, six weeks. I need to learn how to drive, damn it!

So, yeah. I'm bummed that I won't see Nicholas for a week, but Lori says there are all these super hot guys up at this camp. It's really one big camp that hosts a lot of little camps, but they have camp-wide mixers and stuff, too. Lori says the hottest guys aren't the football players but the band geeks (!) and that I'm going to be surprised. She says the drummers tend to be the hottest of the hot, but last summer she hooked up with a trumpeter AND a baritone. She says it's safe there, because these guys aren't from Haley - aren't from Delaware, even - so we can leave the stench of the band geekiness behind when we leave. I tartly reminded her that my brother Jack was a "band geek" and instead of apologizing or even feeling embarassed she was all, "See? And he's totally hot, Lulu." (Lulu is what Lori has started calling me lately.)

Okay, so I just looked at the clock and realized if I can finish packing in the next 10 minutes I have time to run down to Rita's and have a quick tussle with Nicky before I go.

I'm outtie, yo.

Catching up.

2005-05-30T16:43:19Z

Whoa, has it really been a whole month since I updated this thing? I guess I've been busy. Doing what, you ask? Well, let me tell you:

1. Lori Pfefferminz's body makeover plan, which was beyond intensive: jogging! weight training! Pilates! yoga! swimming! - I've lost six pounds and now have arms, abs, and ass of steel. Seriously, it's amazing how cut I am. Bonus: being fit has made me slightly less klutzy. Score!

2. Prepping for cheerleading tryouts, which were two weeks ago. I made the squad, but only because I'm best friends with the captain (Lori). Still not sure how I feel about being a cheerleader. Allison is all, "Isn't this great?" and Kim Tate is all, "Hope you can hack it" (she's still bitter because Lori and I hang out more than she and Lori used to) and my mom is all, "Really? Cheerleading?" and Jack is all, "Whatever makes you happy, dude," and Hannah is all, "I guess I need to find a new babysitter, huh?" (except she said it with a smile so it wasn't nearly as self-absorbed as it looks in print).

3. PROM. Yes, I went to prom. Again. This time with Spencer. Yes, THAT Spencer. Tabitha's ex. Actually, Lori dated him for a while too, but it wasn't any big thang. Anyway, the reason I went to the prom with Spencer was because Lori heard that Tobin was taking some freshman chick with really enormous boobs. So, as a preemptive strike, she found out that Spencer didn't have a date and hooked us up. Lori went with Trip Walters, who's sort of cute in an overtly prepster kind of way, and we split an SUV limo with Allison and her latest boy toy, Joshua Tulley. I wore this cherry-print vintage '50s cocktail dress I found on eBay for $40. It was a mess but Hannah worked her magic and I looked so hot, if I do say so myself.

4. I did land a job at Rita's Water Ice and have been in training for the past week. I'm only making $6 an hour, but having a summer job means I don't have to be on automatic baby duty. I love my niece, but I swear, sometimes I feel more like her second mother! And I'm too young for all that. Anyway, the job is cool and I get free water ice and I get to flirt with all the cute boys who come to the window.

5. School gets out in like 10 days and I had to bust ass to pull up my grades. The breakup with Tobin took its toll, you know. But, I think I'm finishing the year will all A's and B's. I'm even getting a B in gym, thanks to Lori's body makeover plan.

I feel like I'm talking about Lori way too much. But here's the thing: as big a bitch as i used to think she is, once you get to know her - once you're "in" with her - she's so ... I don't know. Magnetic? She makes you feel like the most important person in the world and she's so so so much fun. She's like Tabitha minus the drama. I mean, Lori's got her own drama, but she handles things so differently. I don't know. I'm just enjoying being her friend. Trying new things, meeting new people, feeling like I can be whoever the hell I want to be, instead of who everyone else thinks I should be.

Yeah.

I am a thin fat person.

2005-04-27T23:57:28Z

At least this is what Lori Pfefferminz tells me.

Apparently, a thin fat person is a person who LOOKS like they're thin, but who has absolutely no muscle tone whatsoever.

Lori said, "I think even your bones are made of jelly!"

So now she's got me on this rigorous exercise plan. A PLAN. Why, you ask?

LORI PFEFFERMINZ WANTS ME TO TRY OUT FOR CHEERLEADING.

Me, the eternal klutz. A cheerleader!

But here's the thing: ever since the fallout with Tabitha and initial breakup from Tobin, I've been hanging out almost entirely with the cheerleaders. Even Kim Tate and I have had a couple of lengthy phone conversations. And it's nice. They're good people. Especially Lori. Once you get past the mean girl crusty parts, she's actually this fluffy teddy bear of love. And she's been so great to me, even when she's calling me "Jell-O butt."

So now I'm doing Tae Bo with Lori three times week, and riding bikes with Jack twice a week (he's put on all the baby weight Hannah's taken off), and Hannah said we should sign up for a weekly Pilates class. I WILL BE SO BUFF. And since Lori's a shoo-in for captain next year, if I do decide to try out for cheerleading, I'll have a leg up (no pun intended).

The one thing I have to say is that I'm enjoying exercise. Like, a lot. Mom says there have been studies that show exercise helps alleviate depression. I don't know that I was all that depressed, but hey - I'm liking how I feel right about now.

Being happy = okay by me.

"We're so over they need a new word for over."

2005-04-14T16:26:04Z

There will be no further reconciliation between me and Tobin Scacheri. Oh, sure, for thirty seconds I thought there might be one. But no. Not now. Not ever.

I should explain.

Tobin and I were hanging out more, taking things slow, seeing how they went. The whole time, Lori Pfefferminz is telling me I'm being stupid and there are better boys for me and blah blah blah. Finally, I got fed up and said, "What is your problem? Do you still want Tobin all to yourself?" and she snorted and said, "Go ask your friend Tabitha." I didn't like the way it sounded, so I pressed her for more. She said that she was hoping I wouldn't find out but since I was hell bent on throwing my life away (her words) that she was going to have to be the one to tell me. She said that the week after Tobin and I broke up he started hooking up with Tabitha. Not like making out either, but homeruns all around.

Well, I called her a liar. Because hey, she IS Lori Pfefferminz. But something about it made me feel a little sick, so after school I confronted Tobin to ask him if it was true.

He didn't deny it.

I started yelling and crying and he kept saying, "But we'd broken up! What's the big deal?" and I told him if he didn't understand what the big deal was then he was stupider than I thought.

At home I cried for a bit, then asked Jack to drop me off at Lori's house. Which he did. I apologized to her and then spent most of last night crying on her shoulder. I missed American Idol and everything.

How is it that my once mortal enemy is now my most trusted friend?

Lori drove me home just before curfew. My mom was up and I told her everything. EVERYTHING. She got a little teary eyed with me - hey, she loved Tobin too - but she said I did the right thing and that she was truly sorry things weren't working out between us.

I asked her if I could take today off from school - "I need a mental health day," I said - and she agreed. I didn't even have to fight her on it.

So, yeah. It's over. Fully, completely over.

*sigh*

Since U Been Gone

2005-03-30T19:59:44Z

I haven't journaled in a while, partly because I feel like I'm under all of this ... I don't know. PRESSURE? It's like everyone wants something from me, whether it's my mom picking up the slack around the house, or Jack and Hannah asking me to take care of Cassidy, or Allison digging at me over and over and over to try out for fall cheerleading. And then there's school, and I'm trying to get hired part-time at Rita's Water Ice so that I'll have a job lined up for summer, and and and

Yeah.

The one thing that's been helping me through all this is - don't laugh - Kelly Clarkson's music. Between "Miss Independent" and "Since U Been Gone" ... well, whenever I start to feel sad or want to cry, I queue up a song and scream-sing it until the moment has passed.

And this was working, for the most part, until yesterday.

Because yesterday was when Tobin came by the house. He didn't even call first - just showed up on my front doorstep, wanting to know if we could talk.

After regaining my ability to breathe, I invited him in. Hannah had just made a batch of fresh-squeezed lemonade, so we took glasses of it and went to sit on the back porch. He told me he missed me a lot, and that he was sorry he'd acted like such an ass about Oliver and the play and everything. He said that he was all confused about the future - scared that he wasn't going to get into a good school, scared that even if he did, he wouldn't know what to do with his life. Then he said that I was his best friend, and that it was because of this I got to bear the brunt of his anger and frustration - including the stuff about sex, which he finally admitted was a direct result of the guys teasing him about dating the vestal virgin (that would be ME).

I was still reeling from shock, unable to speak, when he started talking about last weekend and how he finally had a chance to catch up on TiVo'd episodes of THE OC. I said, "You watch THE OC?" and he said, "Let's keep that on the DL, OK?" Anyway, so he was watching all of these back episodes and he saw the one where Seth went all Spider-Man and Summer left Zack at the airport because she realized she was still in love with Cohen. And I'm nodding and trying to figure out why he's talking about this when he says, "So I figured, if Summer and Cohen could get back together, maybe we could too?"

And I didn't know what to say. Honestly. Part of me was screaming "Yes! Finally!" But another part of me - the one who was just starting to like not having a boyfriend - kept saying, "We're not ready for this."

So I started to cry.

And Tobin put his arms around me and let me snot up his shirt sleeve for a while, and when I was all cried out I said, "I've missed you, too. But I don't know about the you and me thing. Like, what are you asking? That we pick up where we left off?" And he said no, of course not. He said we'd take it slow, see how it feels. Then he asked me if I'd want to go out on a date this Friday. Like a second first date. And I was all prepared to say no, but then I got all warm and tingly, and I knew that I had to say yes. It's what I wanted, even if I didn't want to want it.

So, we're going out on Friday. I asked him not to call me between now and then, because I still need time to sort things out. And I have to do it by myself now, because all Allison says is, "Oh, cool! You'll get to go to Prom again!" and Tabitha still isn't talking to me and Hannah and Jack and my mom are all too busy to listen to my romantic woes. It's been so dire I've actually thought about calling Lori Pfefferminz and asking HER for advice. Talk about nuts!

Anyway, yeah. That's where I'm at.

If I don't update this journal immediately, or even over the next several weeks, just know that I'm processing things and trying to make them make sense. And please don't send me messages asking me how I'm doing, because that causes the whole PRESSURE thing that I'm trying to avoid. Finally, please please please don't send messages to my friend Lara, either, demanding her to UPDATE, PLEASE!!! Because you know, she works really, really hard, and it upsets her when people think it's easy, keeping up the journal of a fictional person who lives almost entirely inside her own head. It's not easy for her. It's actually really, really hard. Writing in general is hard, and all she asks is that you have a little respect for the process, for her busy schedule, and for her desire to have some semblance of a life outside the world of books. (We both thank you in advance.)

I really don't like Mondays.

2005-02-22T00:20:58Z

It snowed last night, and at first they were predicting major snow, so I thought maybe - maybe - we wouldn't have school. No such luck. When I woke up and realized we weren't even getting a two-hour delay, I sat on the end of my bed and cried and cried. I hate going to school anymore. The gossip has basically stopped, but Tabitha's still not talking to me and Tobin won't even look at me. And as close as Ally and I used to be ... she's different now. We're all different now.

You want to hear something funny? I actually think I'm starting to like Lori Pfefferminz. I mean, she's still totally wicked, but it's like, if you're on her side, it's a fun kind of wicked. Plus she's been really nice to me for some reason. Well, as nice as Lori Pfefferminz can be.

As much as I dislike school, weekends are worse. It's not the not having a boyfriend part, although that's not great either. But it's like, I lost BOTH of my best friends at the exact same time. And I think I could handle the breakup with Tobin if Tabitha hadn't abandoned me.

It's really Oliver's fault, if you think about.

In other news, there's something really weird going on with Hannah. I don't know what it is. She's less mopey and stuff, but she's still totally withdrawn. I asked my mom if she knew what was going on and she said no convincingly enough that I believed her.

Just another thing to worry about, right?

Betcha by golly - OW.

2005-02-14T22:56:18Z

Semi-humorous subject heading aside, I can't stop shaking.

Tobin was just here. In my house. We haven't talked at all since the night of the cast party, despite me leaving fifty thousand messages. But then today, around 3:30, he shows up.

Just like that.

He asked if we could talk some place private, so we ended up in the basement (aka my bedroom). He sat on my desk chair and I sat on the edge of my bed. He didn't say anything at first, just sat there looking at his shoes.

Finally, he said, "Sorry I never called you back."

And I said, "It's okay," even though it isn't.

And he said, "This doesn't change anything, but here." And he hands me this box wrapped in silver paper.

I asked him what it was for and he said, "Duh. Today's Valentine's Day." And I could literally feel the blood drain from my face. I said, "I didn't get you anything."

But all he said in return was, "Just open it."

So I did.

It was a pink iPod mini.

Before I could say anything he told me he bought it a month ago, right before we broke up, and after "that night" he tried to return it but since he'd already loaded music on there AND since the thing worked just fine, Best Buy wouldn't take it back. I asked him why he just didn't keep it for himself and he said because it was pink and girly, and then I asked him why he didn't at least try to sell it on eBay and he got all angry and said, "Because I didn't want to, okay? Jesus, just take the damned thing."

I started to cry, and I have expected Tobin to hug me or say something sweet but he didn't do either. When I finally looked up I realized he was on the verge of crying too.

I told him there wasn't anything going on between me and Oliver, and he said he knew. Then he said, "It was never really about him, Luce."

And it's true. It wasn't. Tobin and I had been growing apart for a while. It's like last Friday's episode of Joan of Arcadia, where Joan's mom goes, "Young love isn't meant to last forever."

And I wanted to tell him about the episode but I was afraid he'd think I was stupid. So I didn't. But then he said, "I always thought I'd be your first."

And I said, "My what?"

And he said, "You know. Your first."

And I said, "Oh, but you were. I mean, not in the way you wanted to be. But you were my first kiss, my first date, my first love. You'll always be those things to me. Forever and ever."

This is when he really started to cry.

I put the iPod on the mattress and went over to him. He turned away from me but I hugged him anyway. Eventually he hugged me back and then we just held each other for a while. Then he whispered, "It doesn't have to be over, does it?"

And I must've thought about it for a second too long, because before I could answer Tobin pushed me away and said, "Never mind."

He started up the stairs without even saying goodbye. I could've called out, "Wait!" or something like that, but I didn't.

I could've stopped him.

But I didn't.

I waited a few minutes before turning the iPod on. There were several pre-loaded playlists with names like, "Biscuit Has a Bad Day" (funny songs) and "I Love Lucy" (romantic relationshippy songs). That's when I really started to bawl. I put the headphones in and listened to the "I Love Lucy" mix twice through before the ache in my chest got to be more than I could handle.

It made me think of last year, when Tabitha broke up with her long distance boyfriend Elliot and then sobbed about it for days. I didn't understand how you could be the breaker-upper and still feel so sad. But now I do. I wish I could call Tab and tell her that I get it now, but she's still not talking to me and I doubt she will any time soon.

Must go cry some more.

Ch-ch-ch-changes.

2005-02-07T20:26:48Z

1. I'm back to taking the bus to school, as Tobin will not even look at me, let alone speak to me or give me rides.

2. I now eat lunch with Allison and a bunch of her cheerleader friends, including Lori Pfefferminz, who surprised me on Friday by saying she thought Tobin was acting like a jackass. The warm fuzzies lasted a split second, because then she said, "Everyone knows you're a total tease ... if you wouldn't give it up for Tobin, you certainly aren't going to give it up for the oily drama king."

3. Oliver has been semi-stalking me and to make it stop my mom called his mom, but his mom said, "I don't get involved in my son's social life, lady," and my mom said, "Maybe you should," and Oliver's mom said, "Don't tell me how to raise my kid!" and then my mom said, "If your kid doesn't stop coming around here we're filing a restraining order!" I thought that last part was a little much, but I was happy that my mom stuck up for me.

4. Tabitha dropped a big bag of my stuff she'd borrowed over the years off at my house yesterday. She told Jack to tell me she wanted her stuff back, too. Jack said, "Uh, she's right here," but Tabitha said, "I don't want to speak to that slut," to which Jack replied, "You've got some nerve, you little whore," and slammed the door on her face.

5. People are still talking about what supposedly happened between me and Oliver, but not as much as before. Also it's only the sophomore through senior contingent and mostly white kids at that. The black kids seem to be having their own form of drama - from what I hear, Darnella Jones got caught making out with her boyfriend's brother. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but her boyfriend is Tyrell Davis - an all-star quarterback with a free ride to Penn State - and when he found out he busted up his brother so bad the kid had to get his nose reset by a doctor. At least my drama doesn't have a body count.

It has to get better at some point, right?

Why I haven't been to school since last Friday.

2005-02-02T00:41:38Z

I messed up.

Big time.

Our Town: New Castle Style opened last Friday and we did two sold out shows in a row. Ditto for Saturday, except in the first show the piece of luan that served as my family's house fell in the middle of Act II, and all of the stage hands had to scramble out to fix it. It was terrifying at first and funny later - "We really brought the house down!" - and the rest of the show came off without a hitch.

Saturday night was the cast party at Oliver's house. Tobin thought he was invited but Oliver made it clear early on that the cast party was for cast and crew only. Tobin insisted it was all a big plot for Oliver to get me away from him (Tobin) and I told him he was nuts. We got into a big fight and I had to have Jack drive me and Tab to Oliver's. He (Jack) was pissed because he had to work early Sunday morning, and Tab was pissed at Oliver for taking a car full of the crew instead of her and me, and I was pissed at Tobin for being a royal ass yet again.

There was champagne at the party - the real kind - and beer and Jell-O shots made with vodka. Oliver's mom was there, too. She didn't care who drank as long as everyone turned in their keys. Tabitha started doing Jell-O shots right away but I stuck to ginger ale as I knew Jack would kick my ass if I came home drunk. Also I don't think I'll ever forget the Prom Incident and besides, it's more fun to watch people act drunk than be drunk myself.

Only it turns out that Oliver is a sad drunk. He got all weepy and maudlin and around midnight he pulled me into the bathroom and started crying. Like, really crying. And then he started saying all this stuff about how he was so in love with me, and Tobin didn't deserve me, and he felt bad that he wasn't in love with Tabitha but if she was a good friend to both of us she'd understand. I was dying. Tobin was right; all this time, Oliver really had been hitting on me.

I tried to get out of the bathroom but Oliver wouldn't stop crying and begging me to hug him. So I did. Hug him. He looked so sad. And then he kept touching my face and telling me he loved me, he loved me, he loved me. My back was against the door, trying to sneakily turn the handle and slip out, but Oliver kept pressing up against me, and then before I could stop him he was kissing me, all big and slobbery like. I finally got the knob to turn but I hadn't realized how hard he was pressed against me and we both fell out of the bathroom (literally).

We fell out of the bathroom, Oliver on top of me, still trying to jam his tongue down my throat, to an audience of a dozen people.

Including Tabitha.

Much drama ensued, the culmination of which was Tabitha drunk dialing Tobin and screaming at him to "mind his woman" (me) and "keep that slut off her man" (IOliver). Tobin was at the house within ten minutes, his eyes red (from anger? from crying?) and everyone just stood and watched, like we were the best show possible.

More drama ensued.

Then Tobin called me a four-letter word that no one should ever use to call someone they love, grabbed Tabitha and took off. The party pretty much broke up after that, but seeing as I was one of three sober people in the house, and the other two didn't have drivers' licenses, I had to call home to get a ride. Meanwhile Oliver is passed out, face down, in front of the bathroom. I have no idea where his mother was at this point, and why she didn't come down during the big "scene."

Anyway, Jack didn't answer, but my mother did. She came and got me and I sobbed the whole ride home and she didn't say a word, just let me cry. Then, when we got home, she made hot cocoa for us and we sat down and I told her everything. She was furious - but not with me, for a change. First she was pissed off at Oliver's mom for allowing alcohol, and then she was pissed at Tobin for the four-letter word. Finally she was pissed at Tabitha for acting like a bitch (her word!).

"Luce," she said, "you didn't do a damned thing wrong, and don't let them make you feel like you did."

I said, "I should've gotten out of the bathroom sooner. Or I never should've let him drag me in there to begin with."

"No," she said. "It's not your fault that Tabitha's boyfriend likes you better. And it's not your fault that your boyfriend is so rabidly insecure."

I tried to believe her, but it was hard. Especially since Sunday, when the phone calls started.

First it was Allison, trying to scout out what happened. I didn't tell her much - we're not as close as we used to be - but like five minutes after I hung up with her, Kim #1 called and asked me if it was true that I got caught giving Oliver a you-know-what in the bathroom. I hung up on her without even bothering to respond. By the time Lori Pfefferminz called me (!) three hours later, the rumor was that Oliver and I did it on the toilet and were trying to get Tabitha to join us for a threesome.

Yeah. That's really what she said.

So I've played sick since then, but Mom knows what's really wrong. She offered to talk to the guidance counselor for me but I don't know what good that will do. Everyone hates me now. Except Oliver - he won't stop calling here. But he's the last person I want to talk to right now. Or ever.

I haven't tried to call Tobin and he hasn't tried to call me. So I guess this means we're broken up, right? I mean, you don't call your girlfriend THAT four-letter word and not apologize for it. Unless you don't want her to be your girlfriend anymore.

The worst part? I'm kind of relieved that T hasn't called. I think maybe I wanted it to be over. And now it is, and I should be happy. Except, I didn't want it to be over like this. I wanted some sort of semi-happy ending.

I think I'll go cry myself to sleep.

Top Five Reasons Why It Sucks to Be Me

2005-01-23T06:13:43Z

1. Our Town: New Castle Style was supposed to open yesterday night. We did the dress rehearsal Thursday and everything. But, because of the massive blizzard that blew into town this morning, the administration decided it would be best if we pushed the whole thing back a week. So tonight, instead of putting on two shows and attending the cast party I helped plan, I'm sitting in my pajamas, sucking down hot chocolate after hot chocolate, and feeling sorry for myself.

2. When I called my boyfriend for a little moral support, he got all snippety with me and said, "God! Will this play thing EVER be over?" Not: "I'm sorry you can't do the play this weekend. I know how much you've been looking forward to it." Not: "Hey, it's only a week! That gives you more rehearsal time, so everyone will be even more kick-ass." Just: "I can't wait until things get back to normal."

3. Tabitha is pissed at me, too. On Tuesday she accused me of flirting with Oliver. Want to know why? Because the strap on my shoe broke and I was about to go down for the count when Oliver grabbed my arm and kept me from falling. When I tried to explain this to Tab, all she said was, "Yeah, and isn't that how you snagged Tobin to begin with?" (It's true. I'm a klutz. My klutziness helped bring me and T together. But. I would NEVER try to steal another girl's guy, and especially not when I still have a boyfriend myself.)

4. Cassidy is sick AGAIN. Let's face it: she's always sick. I have taken so much vitamin C, echinacea, Airborne, and whatever else you can think of to avoid catching one of her nasty colds while I'm in play mode, but I fear my luck is running out. If I can just stay healthy until after the show closes, God can give me bronchitis. I really wouldn't care; that's how much this play means to me.

5. I have my period. Enough said.

Christmas (and New Year's) with the Crank (i.e., ME)

2004-12-31T21:11:30Z

I haven't written about Christmas yet and it's partly because I don't even know what to say. I gave Tobin the scarf I knitted him and he loved it and I guess I was glad but then he gave me his gift. It was a ring. Not just any ring, though. It used to be his grandmother's ring when she was a teenager and I don't know why his mother said he could give it to me but she did. And then I put it on my right ring finger and Tobin said, "No, why don't you put it on the left?" and I said, "Because we're not getting engaged?" and he said, "It doesn't matter. If you wear it on the left, everyone will know you belong to someone already."

Yeah. He really said that.

And I don't know what's wrong with me, because getting an antique pearl ring from your boyfriend at Christmas should make a girl cry, right? Or at least feel good. Instead I felt like it was some desperate attempt to "brand" me. I don't want to "belong" to anyone except myself.

My mom could tell I was upset and we sat down and had a long talk about it and at first it was weird because she kept asking questions about my nonexistant sex life, and I was like, 'NO, MOTHER, WE HAVEN'T DONE IT." When she relaxed we had a really good talk about T's and my relationship and what he wants versus what I want. She also asked me a lot of questions about Oliver and did I think of him like a boyfriend? and I was like, "No way, we're just friends." And we ARE just friends, even though he flirts with me sometimes. It's just innocent flirting and I try not to do it back, because even though I'm sort of unhappy right now I still love Tobin lots.

And then my mom said, "Maybe you and Tobin should take a break," and the minute she said it I burst into tears. So that's when I knew: I don't want to break up with Tobin. But I also don't want things to be like this. Him being all weird and possessive and me feeling claustrophobic and like I'm supposed to feel grateful that he loves me soooo much, instead of happy to just be in love period.

Tonight the group of us is going to dinner at the Macaroni Grill and then to First Night in Wilmington. Tabitha's friend Allen's band is playing and there are other bands and street performers and stuff and it should be fun. We're all getting dressed up big time and Tabitha and I bought rhinestone tiaras and mini-boas at Michaels and we're wearing them, too.

But here are my resolutions for the New Year:

1. Have talk with Tobin about Where We Are and Where We're Headed
2. Spend more time with my friends and less with my boyfriend.
3. Stop dyeing my hair so much.
4. Pull up grades to B-plus average
5. Look into joining drama club or equivalent

Happy New Year!

Jealous boyfriends suck.

2004-12-24T03:57:42Z

Tobin is mad at me - AGAIN. This time it's because he had to work after school, and I ended up going to the movies with Tabitha and Oliver. We saw National Treasure and apparently I was supposed to know that Tobin wanted to see it and I was supposed to know it's not okay to see movies with friends that your boyfriend wants to see but can't because he's working and you're not.

I'm really getting tired of this. First it's the play - he hates the play, he hates that I'm always rehearsing, all I do is talk about Oliver, why don't I go be his girlfriend if I love him so much. Excuse me, aren't you the one who constantly has girls throwing themselves at you? Like Lori Pfefferminz? And Mandy Malloy? And more girls than I care to count? And okay, yes: I hate Lori Pfefferminz. But OH MY GOD. Let it go.

I love Tobin - really, I do - but I'm so so so so so tired of all the fighting. If it's not Oliver or how "into" the play I am, then it's Cassidy or my family or Tabitha or whatever. It's never enough for him. It's like ... like he liked me more when my entire life was HIM.

Well, I'm sorry. I like being in the play, and I like hanging out with Tabitha and Oliver and all the kids from Our Town: New Castle Style. I like playing with my baby niece and I like being with my family (mostly). I like being ME.

And the other thing is this: Does he really think that all of this jealous behavior makes me want to get naked with him? Because let me clear this up: IT DOESN'T.

Maybe we should just break up for real.

I'm back!

2004-12-05T18:58:18Z

Not that anyone cares or anything.

So, what I have been up to? Well, in the last almost-month, I have:

* Dyed my hair Lindsay Lohan red
* Learned how to knit (Grammy Doyle taught me at Thanksgiving!)
* Auditioned for and got a part in the school play (Emily in an updated, Delaware-ized version of OUR TOWN, which is being directed by Tabitha's newest crush object, Oliver)
* Broken up with my boyfriend ...
* ... and got back together with him like 18 hours later.
* Gone to the gynocologist for my first ever exam AND went on the Pill.

About that last thing - it's purely a precautionary measure. I haven't changed my mind about waiting, although sometimes I wish I would stop being so scared and just get it over with. But then I think, that's how I feel about removing Band Aids. "Just get it over with." And sex shouldn't be like that. At least, I don't think so.

Anyway, the Pill thing was actually Hannah's idea and an early Christmas present from her. She asked my mom ahead of time, though, so it's cool. Basically what happened is that she walked in on me and Tobin "getting back together" and I guess we looked pretty hot and heavy because as soon as he left she was all, "Are you sleeping with him, Lucy?" We played 20 questions and I ended up telling her everything I have and have not done, and Hannah looked like she was going to have a heart attack the whole time. She made me promise to ask Tobin to get tested for STDs and stuff like that, because even though we're not having sex we're having other stuff where STDs could be an issue.

But then Tabitha said if I ask him to get tested he's going to assume that sex is in our near future. Then she said I should go and have the sex, since I'm in love with my boyfriend and if I don't have sex with him soon, he might not be my boyfriend much longer.

I don't think she's right - I mean, if that was the case, wouldn't Tobin have dumped me long ago? Our "break up" wasn't even about sex, actually, but the fact that he's convinced that Oliver has a thing for me and that I'm talking about him too much. But I'm just really psyched about the play. I only tried out because Tab asked me to come keep her company, and when I got the part I was so shocked. But it's like, "Hey, I'm good at something!" Everybody's got their "I'm good at ____" thing but me. And now I do and it feels sort of good.

Last night Tabitha came over for a girl's night (we invited Allison and she declined - cheerleader business or some crap like that - and we ended up watching this Lifetime TV movie Fifteen and Pregnant, starring a young Kirsten Dunst. It was so cheesy, and the girl in the movie was so white trash, but you know, it brought back all of the things I was feeling this time last year, right after I'd found out about Hannah being pregnant and Jack not wanting any part of it. As hard as it was on the family, though, it all worked itself out. Hannah's signed up to take a winter session class and she's while she's still not completely out of her postpartum funk, she's doing better. Jack is so good with Cassidy - much better than I thought he'd be - and Cass hersellf is just this chubby little ball of love.

I'm going to be busy with play stuff over the next few weeks, so if I don't update regularly, that's why. But I promise I'll be better about it during my Christmas break, whcih starts 12/22.

Tis the season to be dye-ing.

2004-11-10T03:43:40Z

So at first I didn't know how I felt about Tobin having black hair. I mean, two weeks ago he was very, very blond. But I'm starting to get used to it. It makes him look ... I don't know. Dangerous. In a totally safe kind of way, that is. And his eyes look a thousand times greener than they did when he was a blond. But also, when I dyed my hair black this time last year, he didn't get all weird about it. It was like, "Oh, you changed it. I like it." Period, end of discussion.

Speaking of dye jobs, Tabitha has decided that it's time for her to go blond. She's over Paris Hilton (thank God!) but her new style icon is Gwen Stefani. Although she can't decide between Punk Rock Gwen or 1940s Gwen. I love Tabitha to pieces, but her whole need to be at the center of attention drives me nuts sometimes. It's like, you know, just be.

But I guess I'm just like this total hypocrite or something, because now I have this burning desire to dye my hair red. Not like cherry red or anything obnoxious, but like a deeper version of Donna from That '70s Show before she decided to be a blonde herself. Or maybe like Miranda during the last season of Sex and the City.

My mother is going to flip, you know. If I actually do it, that is. It took her a million years to get used to the black. But we'll see.

P.S. Someone asked me to post a track listing of the mix I made for Tobin, but it feels really, really private. Maybe I'm being stupid, but when you grow up in a musical family, you realize how much meaning there is in every single song. I will say that I remembered to put Howie Day's "Collide" on there. That's the song Tobin says is "ours." I still stay it should be "Tupelo Honey," as that's the first song we danced to, but since that was my parents' wedding song Tobin's all against it.

Wouldn't it be funny, though, iif our song was something really stupid like, "Who Let the Dog's Out?" And every time we heard it on the radio our faces would get all soft and we'd go, "Oh, honey, listen - it's our song!"

Or maybe that's only funny to me.

The third time's the charm.

2004-11-04T19:56:11Z

So I'm sick. Really, really sick. I'd almost been sick twice before (hence the subject heading) but this time it stuck. It's so bad today that Mom made me stay home from school. I pretended to protest, but secretly I'm relieved that I can spend the whole day doing nothing but sleep, drink OJ, and watch TV.

I know it's been a while since I updated my journal, so here's the breakdown of what's been going on:

Friday, October 29th

Went over to Tobin's to help him decorate. Big chicken that I am, I invited Tabitha along as insurance, so I wouldn't have to deal with the whole "will we/won't we" thing. Tobin seemed a little irritated and at first I thought it was because he was hoping for a "we will" verdict. But later he told me it's because he knew that's why I'd invited Tab, and didn't I trust him anymore? I told him I did but that sometimes I don't trust myself (which is true).

Also I'd asked him if I could borrow his leather jacket for part of my costume, and he said no, he needed it for his. Then I couldn't figure out what he was going to be. He wouldn't tell me and then I got a little irritated myself because I didn't understand why it had to be such a huge secret.

Needless to say, it wasn't a good night.

Saturday, October 30th

So, my costume. I ended up dressing like Sandy from Grease - not vanilla Sandy but how she looked after her "bad girl" makeover (which is why I needed the leather jacket). Luckily, Jack still had his and he let me borrow it. I'd cut the wig up a bit and made it curly. It took forever but in the end it looked almost exactly like Olivia Newton John's in the movie. Then I borrowed a pair of my mom's spandex pants from the '80s and matched it with a black tube top, very high heels, and a little scarf knotted around my neck. Lots of black eye liner and I was good to go.

When I got to Tobin's I was shocked to see that he'd died his hair black. Let me repeat: HE DIED HIS HAIR BLACK. He was wearing a striped jailbird costume with handcuffs and a ball chain around his ankle and said he was "Jailhouse Rock" Elvis. I was irritated because he wasn't wearing his jacket but then, about two hours into the party, Tobin disappeared and when he returned he was black leather-wearing Elvis from the '68 comeback special. By the end of the night he'd strapped a pillow to his tummy and donned sunglasses and a white sequined jumpsuit to be "Vegas" Elvis. It was all very cute but jeez. Way too much work for one little party.

Oh! And I'm glad I got forced out of being Paris Hilton because there were three Paris Hilton's at Tobin's party alone. The funniest thing was that Lori Pfefferminz (she wasn't invited, but Spencer was, and he's still dating her, if you can believe it) came as Hillary Duff, and Allison came as Lindsay Lohan. So then Allison, trying to "stay in character," starts getting into it with Lori/Hillary, and then Lori got mad because she thought Ally had gone too far. Fortunately, Ally's feeling secure enough with herself these days that it wasn't a huge deal. Mostly she just ignored Lori and made out with her new boyfriend, who (surprise, surprise!) came as Fez from That '70s Show.

Sunday, October 31st

Tobin's and my one-year anniversary. We started off at my house, because my mom had gotten Cassidy this cute little lady bug costume and I wanted pictures. Brody, weirdo that he is, dressed like Timmy from The Fairly Oddparents and attached cardboard cutouts of Cosmo and Wanda to wires that sprouted up from his shoulders. It was actually a pretty cool costume, now that I think about it. Anyway, Mom wanted me to take him Trick-or-Treating but he begged her to let him go with Stu's mom instead. When she relented Tobin and I were free to go do our own thing.

We ended up at the movies to see The Grudge, which freaked me out. Afterward we went and got ice cream and Tobin gave me this pretty silver necklace with a Tinkerbell charm. It was in honor of my costume from last year, which was when we'd kissed for the first time.

My gift to Tobin wasn't nearly as cool. I made him a mix CD with all of "our" songs on it and it had a picture of us on the cover. But he said he loved it and that's all that really matters.

This week

Have been fighting off this cold since Monday, so my week has pretty much gone by in a blur.

I've been trying to write this for almost an hour now. I think I'm tired. Back to bed!

Five days and counting ...

2004-10-25T21:34:20Z

My costume woes continue. This is due in part to Tobin, who has some super-secret costume planned that I can't know about. I tried to sell him on the matching costume concept but no go. He takes his Halloween party VERY seriously. Almost too seriously, if you ask me.

Anyway, I'd finally decided I'd go as Paris Hilton. I bought the long blond wig and everything. And then I found out that Tabitha had the same idea. She tried to talk me into being Nicole Richie but ugh. I don't like that girl. Me being Paris would've been ironic. Me being Nicole would've been .... lame.

So then I had this long blond wig (non-returnable) and no costume to go with it. Mom kept saying I should be Rapunzel but that's almost as lame as being Nicole Richie. Jack keeps telling me I should buy a black curly wig, put it on top of the blond wig, and go as "the new Jan Brady." Yeah, right. That's so current.

I've got to tell you, having a boyfriend so obsessed with Halloween puts a lot of pressure on a girl. In fact, I'm starting to hate Halloween period.

Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?

2004-10-17T13:49:26Z

I haven't felt much like writing lately. Things have gotten so much more complicated since I started the tenth grade. Not just with me, though - I mean with everyone, especially at home.

See, Hannah started a new job at the end of last month. My dad got her an administrative position in the music department at Del U, which meant a way better salary than she was getting at the Food-n-Stuff, plus better benefits, plus the opportunity to take classes for free. Only, with me back in school, too, Hannah lost her best babysitter. Day care, it turns out, is way expensive, so even though she's technically making more money, she's really ending up with less money than before.

Jack was supposed to start at U Penn this semester, but because Hannah was so wonky this summer, and because there's no way he could pay for tuition and help out with Cassidy, he deferred enrollment for a year. Now he's teaching music lessons at Wilmington College and working part-time at Friday's as a waiter. My brother's a pretty good looking guy - charming, too - so he's making great tips. But it means he's working a lot, so Hannah's still carrying the bulk of responsibility when it comes to Cass.

On top of everything else, Jack's been hanging out with this chick he works with. Her name is Jasmin but everyone calls her "Jazz." Fitting, yes? She's too pretty and too perky and too nice and I hate her. Mostly I hate her because Jack insists on letting her come around to the house. I think it's so disrespectful to Hannah. And okay, maybe I was naive, thinking that once he came home the two of them would work things out. But still. How can he live here, under the same roof as Hannah and Cass, and actually date a girl who calls herself Jazz?

Other news:

- Tabitha and Spencer really are through. And guess what? He's actually going out with Lori Pfefferminz! I think Spence likes her, to be honest. Why, I don't know. It makes things really uncomfortable, though, because Tobin and I used to double with him and Tab a lot, and no way am I doubling with Lori Pfefferminz, not even if she was dating Adam Brody. For serious.

- Speaking of dating, Tobin's and my one-year anniversary is coming up. We're celebrating it on the night of his annual Halloween Bash, which this year will be on October 30th. I'm supposed to help him set up the Friday before, but I know for a fact his mother has to be in New York City that night. So I'm trying to convince Tabitha to help set up with me - best friend insurance - but she's all, "I don't see what the big deal is, Lucy. You love the guy, right?" *sigh*

- On a similar note, all of my friends and I are completely obsessed with this new TV show, life as we know it. The boys on it are hott, but also we've decided that we relate to the characters, like, a lot. Tab says that Tobin is like Dino, only less of an ass, and I'm like Jackie, only with a better wardrobe. And Tabitha's like Sue, only white and less experienced. Tab also thinks that Allison is like Ben, only a girl, but I think that's stretching the metaphor a bit, don't you?

- Finally, I have like two weeks to come up with a kick-ass Halloween costume, and I'm drawing blanks. Any suggestions? I'm doubting I'm going to have Hannah's help this year, so it can't be anything that requires too much sewing.

Long time, no type.

2004-09-25T23:48:31Z

It's been like two and a half weeks since I last updated. Where did the time go?

I'll tell you where:

OTHER PEOPLE'S DRAMA.

It started when Tabitha and Spencer broke up for what I think is the final time. Normally their "breakups" last all of a day or two, but now it's been two weeks and they won't even look at each other. Both of them are trying to act like it's no big thing, but they'd been dating on and off for almost as long as Tobin and I have been together. Although I think that's the reason Tabitha wanted to break up to begin with. And yeah - she was the one who broke up with him.

Like a week into the latest (final?) breakup, Tabitha starts talking about this guy in her drama class. His name is Oliver and he's a junior transfer from this snotty private school in Bear. But he's totally her type - dyed black hair, big leather boots, wears blue nail polish. In fact, he looks a little like Punk Rock God from Joan of Arcadia.

Anyway, somehow Spencer gets wind that Tabitha's serious this time and she's already into another guy. So he tries to get Tobin to pump me for information about Oliver. Only, I don't know that much about Oliver. So then Spence thinks we're holding out and he and Tobin get into a fight. Then - and oh, this is the best part -

SPENCER ASKS LORI PFEFFERMINZ TO HOMECOMING.

Tabitha is furious, which is exactly why Spence did it. So she turns around and asks Oliver to Homecoming, only he tells her he "doesn't do" dances. This translates into Tabitha deciding she's going to throw the best non-Homecoming party Haley has ever seen. She even convinces Andy Rockwell to get his older brother Adam to buy the beer and stuff. Then she starts hand-delivering invites to key people in Lori Pfefferminz's universe. Her goal is to ruin Homecoming for her so Spence's is ruined by proxy.

Then Allison gets all pissy with Tabitha for trying to screw up Homecoming, because this really hot senior exchange student from France has asked her to go with him. Tabitha tells Allison to mind her business; Allison tells Tabitha to step off. A bunch of teenaged cliches start flying, "you got served" and all that crap.

In the middle of all this, Hannah and Jack are at home fighting these big, loud, awful fights. Actually, Jack's the one doing most of the fighting; Hannah just sits there and cries. And cries and cries and cries. Mom asked Daddy if he could postpone his upcoming trip and Dad flat-out said no. So now she's angry with him, too.

I'm like the only one in the whole universe who's not in a fight with someone right now, and it feels good. What doesn't feel good is going over to your boyfriend's house for Friday night dinner and seeing a pile of college catalogs stacked across the desk with postmarks from places like Austin and Seattle.

So even though I'm not fighting with anyone, it's starting to hit me that Tobin is a senior and that he'll be in college next year. I don't want him to go away, but I don't want him to not go away either. The more immediate problem is that every time he starts asking me if/when I'm going to be ready to ... you know ... have the sex - every time he asks all I can think about is what it would feel like if he moved to Texas. Besides, we've been together so long we've done just about everything but, so why do we have to rush into the next phase? Tabitha's the same age as me and she's already had two guys and I know Oliver's going to be her third. If Tab keeps running through guys like this, by the time she's Hannah's age she'll have been with like 21 guys. And that's just gross.

We've been together almost a full year, me and Tobin. It looms over me like the Death Star. I mean, yes, I'm happy we've been together so long. I feel like we've been together forever. But the one-year mark itself is like, "If you're not doing it yet, you totally should be by now."

I'm not ready.

Maybe I'll never be ready.

God, what a depressing way to end this post. More soon, I promise.

Oh, and I almost forgot ...

2004-09-08T01:45:26Z

My parents got me a cell phone! With a built-in camera and unlimited text messaging!

Can we say BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER?

Yeah.

Catching up.

2004-09-08T01:34:44Z

I haven't updated my journal in soooo long. This is partially because I had the end-of-summer cold from hell and partially because I haven't had much to write about.

Let me rewind to 8/31, a.k.a. MY BIRTHDAY.

I woke up at 4 a.m. because I couldn't breathe. Not like my lungs stopped working but like my nostrils stopped working. It was so bad I had to get Mom up, and she took some of Cassidy's Vicks Vapo Rub and made me put it all over my chest. GROSS. I couldn't get back to sleep, either, so when the alarm went off at 6 a.m. I felt like death. I must've looked like death, too, because Mom made me take my temp. I had a fever of 100, and she wanted me to stay home until she could get me an appointment with Dr. Seltzer. But it was my birthday, right? So I got all stubborn and said I was going to school anyway.

Color me stupid. There wasn't enough makeup in the world to get rid of how grey my skin looked. And how red my nose was. And how I sounded like I had a bubble machine in my chest. Plus I still felt like death.

When Tobin picked me up for school he had a white rose in his hand. It was so romantic, but he looked like the last thing he wanted was for me to kiss him. So I didn't. And then I was cranky on top of feeling like death.

Long story short: By fourth period I was about to pass out. My French teacher, Mme Aubergine, made me go to the nurse's office. My fever had shot up to 102! We couldn't get a hold of anyone on the phone, either, so the nurse agreed to call Tobin out of class and then HE had to drive me to Dr. Seltzer's.

Not exactly the ideal birthday.

I missed the next three days of school, and then it was the weekend. Saturday was supposed to be Tobin's gift to me - a surprise party! - but I was still so sick he canceled it. Actually, he's saying he "rescheduled" it, but I don't know for when. I guess that's the point? Anyway, he came over Saturday night and brought me homemade chicken soup from his mom and snuggled with me in the den. We drank tea and he gave me a foot massage, which I thought was way nice. Plus he told me he loved me. Even though he's done it before, the fact that he could say it when I looked like Bride of Frankenstein makes me feel lucky.

I only JUST started to feel human again today, so I went to school and found out I have a ton of work to catch up on.

However, Real World: Philly premiers in 26 minutes, and I am so there.

No! No fair!

2004-08-31T00:18:51Z

I'm sick! I'm sick! Tomorrow is my birthday and I have the worst head cold I've had in well over a year!

I won't even get a birthday kiss from my boyfriend. Or if I do, it will be really gross for him and then he might get sick and and and

GAH! I hate this.

I'm taking some echinacea and going to SLEEP.

I want my MTV.

2004-08-29T17:59:40Z

The Video Music Awards are on tonight, which is weird, because they're usually on Thursday nights. Right? And then a week from Tuesday, The Real World: Philly premieres. Tab's kind of bummed that she never achieved her goal of getting on camera, but it's not like we can hang out at Philly bars in the middle of the night or anything. I think Tab just wants to be on TV. She should be an actress or something, and stop thinking about trying to get on some stupid reality show.

ANYWAY.

I can't believe I'm back in school. I mean, I can, because I have the work load to prove it. The worst part is that no one around here seems to care that I now have a workload, because everyone still expects me to help out with Cassidy, like, all the time.

Not cool. Not cool at all.

Homecoming is only a few weeks away. This time last year, Allison and I were shopping for dresses together, only I didn't want to be because I didn't even want to go to Homecoming. Truth is, I don't know if I want to go to the Homecoming Dance this year, either. For one thing, I'd have to buy my dress, because I know Hannah's not making me one this time around. And between all of the clothes and accessories and tickets and dinner and everything, it just doesn't seem worth it. Tabitha thinks we should have our own Homecoming in Tobin's basement, but it's too close to his annual Halloween party. I don't know. We'll figure something out.

In two days I will be fifteen years old. I can't even believe it. It's just ... yeah. Crazy.

Week. End.

2004-08-24T04:11:46Z

Friday

Went to Allison's for traditional end-of-summer slumber party. Guess who was there? Lori "I want to steal your boyfriend" Pfefferminz! Allison wouldn't even look me in the eye. I felt so completely betrayed. Even Tabitha, who tries to stay out of these sorts of things, was pissed at Ally for inviting her. In fact, with the exception of me, Tab, and Kim Tate, every single girl there was a cheerleader, and they were all friends of Lori Pfefferminz. So even though Allison has been one of my best friends forver, I ended up feeling like the outsider.

Needless to say, a good time was not had by all.

Tab tried to convince me to skip out early, but I didn't want to give Lori the satisfaction. She said, "Okay, time for Plan B." "Plan B" turned out to be Tabitha asking me lots of questions about all the wonderful and romantic things Tobin and I did this summer whenever Lori was in earshot. I have to admit, it was sort of satisfying.

Saturday

Instead of hanging out at Ally's all afternoon, like I usually do after the end-of-summer slumber party, Tabitha and I cut out right after breakfast. Hannah was in the kitchen when we got home, trying to make pancakes. I say "trying" because she was being all ADD, and every time she put a pancake on the griddle, she'd walk away to do something else and end up burning the stupid thing. So there's Tabitha, trying to tell her how we burned Lori and getting really impatient when Hannah wouldn't respond at all.

Tab kept saying, "What's wrong with her?" I knew, but it felt too private, so I just shrugged.

Later Tabitha and I got all glammed up and made plans to meet the boys for dinner and a movie. Only we never made it to the movie, because we looked so good, the boys insisted we go to Battery Park instead. Tobin and I sat on a bench near the willow where we had his birthday picnic and made out for hours. People kept walking by but I didn't care, it was that good. Also I'm learning that while it's kind of gross to make out in a public place longer than a minute, it's way safer than Tobin's basement, where I don't feel quite as self-conscious about his roaming hands.

Sunday

Tabitha came over again, this time because she wanted me to help her dye her fuschia hair apple green. "For the new school year," she said. This was a multi-step process, though - first we had to bleach out the pink, and then apply the Manic Panic on top of that. Then her hair was so dry she asked me if I would cut it for her. I said no way - I'm no hair stylist, right? - but she insisted. So we sat in front of a mirror and then she directed me while I snipped. Now she's got this short pixie cut, but with lots of whispy pieces that she can make do fun things with hair wax.

Then Tab said, "Have you thought about getting rid of the black hair?" And I had, especially this summer, when my hair would've gotten pretty blonde streaks from the sun. I said, "I can't carry off apple green," and Tab goes, "Duh. You need something more subtle." We ended up looking at a bunch of hair sites on the web and Tabitha saw this fiery red shade that she swore would look perfect on me. I didn't want to bleach my hair, though, so we dug out this henna kit of stuff that Hannah used to use, when she still cared about hair. The beauty of henna is that it works best on color-treated hair, so within forty minutes of Tabitha launching the idea, I was a certified redhead.

We spent the rest of the afternoon playing with makeup, trying to see what looks go well with our new hair. She's decided that lots of yellow eye shadow and candy pink lipstick is going to be her new thing, while I opted for less makeup - a little bit of copper shimmer, a sweep of bronzer as blush, and some brown mascara, with maybe a touch of gloss on my mouth.

Tabitha picked out my first-day-of-school outfit, and then we went to her house and I picked out hers. This year we have four classes together, which I'm so psyched about: geometry, social studies, Spanish I and drama. I'm a little nervous about the Spanish thing, but I couldn't take another semester of Madame Aubergine teaching us French swear words. I'm also taking English, health, gym, and driver's ed (whee!).

Today

First day of school. Tobin picked me up early this morning - I talked to him last night but didn't want to tell him about my hair, so it would be a surprise. And boy, was it! Apparently Tobin has some secret fetish for redheads. He couldn't keep his hands off me all day!

School was mostly lame, except for driver's ed and DRAMA. For the first time ever, Tobin and I are taking a class together! Kim Talbot is in our class too, which would suck if it wasn't for Tabitha's presence. That girl kicks serious ass.

Oh, and lunch - Allison, Tab, and me all have the same lunch period (Tobin has the one before ours, and so does Spence) BUT ALLISON DOESN'T SIT WITH US ANYMORE. Well, she didn't sit with us today at least. She sat with (you guessed it!) the cheerleaders. More specifically, Lori freaking Pfefferminz.

This is going to be an interesting year.

I can't believe it's after midnight and I'm still awake. I guess I'm not used to being on a school schedule yet. I'm going to be hurting tomorrow, and I think we're starting our unit on racketball in gym. Blech.

La la la I'm officially a SOPHOMORE, and in nine days I will be FIFTEEN, and I am very, very, very sleepy but also very, very, very HAPPY.