From the Diary of Lucy A. Doyle

It's 12:03 a.m., which means I am now OFFICIALLY 16 years old.

Which means that I can now OFFICIALLY drive a car.

I managed to save $1200 from my summer job (not sure how, but I did) SO my parents said if I go halfsies on the insurance I can use the Taurus (but not the van). And I can only use it on weekends when neither parent needs it. But. It's a start.

Party this weekend at Lori Pfefferminz's - I was worried Mom would be sad I wasn't having the party here but I think she's relieved, what with all the boxes from Hannah and Cass's stuff. I do hope that Mom will watch Cassidy on Saturday so Hannah and Jack can come by my party. They've been hanging out a bit more - maybe because as of Sunday she will no longer be living with us?

Need to go to bed - am actually looking forward to school tomorrow because it's MY BIRTHDAY!

Current Mood: ecstatic

I can't believe how long it's been since I've written in this thing. It's like the whole summer has happened and I haven't recorded a single second of it. But you know, it's hard. I'm busy. I work now. I have cheerleading practice three days a week. I like to spend time with my friends. And then I stay up half the night on the phone with Jesse, who I think may like me but who hasn't made any sort of real move. So, I keep making out with Nicholas and waiting for Jesse to get it together enough to ask me out on a real date.

But.

The big news is that in six days I will be SIXTEEN YEARS OLD and I will have my DRIVER'S LICENSE. And Hannah and Cassidy are moving out at the end of the month, which is both good and bad. Good because as much as I love Cass, I hate being the live-in default babysitter. (I don't even get paid for it!) And as much as I love Hannah, she's made it pretty clear that she's disappointed in some of the choices I've made in terms of friends and boys and her disapproval both hurts AND pisses me off. I mean, come on: it's not like I've morphed into some superslut. I've still got my morals. And I'm still a virgin, for god's sake, which is more than I can say about most of my friends (girls and boys).

So Jack is moving into Hannah's room (aka the room that used to be mine), but he'll graduate in the spring and then my parents have said he has to be OUT by next August. So then it will be just me and Brody again, and I'll only have one more year at Haley before I leave for college, and OH MY GOD, I'm going to be SIXTEEN and a JUNIOR and I'm only TWO YEARS AWAY FROM COLLEGE.

I was thinking about what I was like two years ago, when Ally and I were still best friends and I was just starting at Haley and feeling all nervous about having to follow in Jack's footsteps, and missing him like crazy and only JUST beginning to notice boys (er, I guess I should say BOY, as in TOBIN). I was so insecure, like, ALL of the time, and I was such a klutz, and I was always embarassed about something. And now it's different. I mean, I'm still a klutz, and I still love my ass of a brother like crazy, and I still feel totally insecure in a bikini, even though my boobs grew in pretty okay last summer. But. I don't know. My mother would say that I'm comfortable in my own skin, for the most part, and I guess I agree. I like who I am. I don't regret breaking up with Tobin, and I don't regret having a summer fling thing with Nicholas. I like that Jesse and I are becoming friends first, because if we end up going out it won't be about the kissing or the "when am I going to get some" thing - at least not right away. I mean, he's SO nice. His older brother is kind of a jerk, but he's also sort of funny so I don't mind him too much. And his sister is this angry skater chick who, upon meeting me, told me, "You and me - we will never be friends, so don't even bother."

Amazing that Jesse could grow up so ... I don't know. Sane? With siblings like that, I mean.

Gotta go - Mom has the rare day off and is taking me school clothes shopping. I actually like shopping with her. It sounds like it should be lame, but she makes it fun. We go get fancy coffee drinks and try on ugly sunglasses together and pick out underwear we wouldn't be caught dead in (mostly thongs, which I swear I'll never wear, even though Lori has pointed out that I have at least two pairs of shorts that would benefit from me wearing one).

More next week, as I will have to recount the events of my SIXTEENTH BIRTHDAY. (Woo hoo!)

Current Mood: spazzy

It's been a long time, yo.

This summer is sweeping by me so freaking fast, I can hardly catch my breath. I'm working 25 hours a week at Rita's, and most of my shifts are with Nicholas, this guy I'm sort of seeing. I say "sort of" because we only really hang out at work or after. It's not like with Tobin, where he met my entire family within 30 seconds of me getting a crush on him. But it's not skanky, either, like I wouldn't want to bring him around. I will. Eventually.

God, is he a good kisser.

But there's this other guy, too, who works at the Sip-n-Stop across the street. His name is Jesse and he's very serious and very, very cute. He's in my grade but we never have any classes together because he's a certified brainiac and I'm, you know, average. Lori likes tormenting me by making me go in and then making widly inappropriate comments to Jesse, until my face turns tomato red and I have to practically bolt out the door.

It's easier with Nicholas, I think. He doesn't go to Haley - which is a big plus - and even though he's technically three years older than me, he's only going into his senior year at Chelsea. He got held back a grad because of mono or something. I don't know. I don't really care. I just like making out with him. Especially when I'm sitting on the freezer unit and he stands in front of me and I sort of wrap my ankles around his waist. It's sooooo hot.

Anyway.

I'm packing my bags for a week away at - get this - CHEERLEADING CAMP. Yes, it's true. I'm going to a week-long overnight cheerleading camp in the Poconos. The bus leaves in about two hours and then it's one solid week free of my parents, of work, of Baby Cass, of the constant bickering between Jack and Hannah. One of them needs to move out, like, STAT. I try to stay out of the house as much as possible because it's just so tense there. Plus, Mom's having a hard time at work and she's been taking the bitch factor home with her. AND she wants me to be 12. We fought for three hours straight about her taking me to get my learner's permit last month. Hello? I turn 16 in, like, six weeks. I need to learn how to drive, damn it!

So, yeah. I'm bummed that I won't see Nicholas for a week, but Lori says there are all these super hot guys up at this camp. It's really one big camp that hosts a lot of little camps, but they have camp-wide mixers and stuff, too. Lori says the hottest guys aren't the football players but the band geeks (!) and that I'm going to be surprised. She says the drummers tend to be the hottest of the hot, but last summer she hooked up with a trumpeter AND a baritone. She says it's safe there, because these guys aren't from Haley - aren't from Delaware, even - so we can leave the stench of the band geekiness behind when we leave. I tartly reminded her that my brother Jack was a "band geek" and instead of apologizing or even feeling embarassed she was all, "See? And he's totally hot, Lulu." (Lulu is what Lori has started calling me lately.)

Okay, so I just looked at the clock and realized if I can finish packing in the next 10 minutes I have time to run down to Rita's and have a quick tussle with Nicky before I go.

I'm outtie, yo.

Current Mood: hot

Whoa, has it really been a whole month since I updated this thing? I guess I've been busy. Doing what, you ask? Well, let me tell you:

1. Lori Pfefferminz's body makeover plan, which was beyond intensive: jogging! weight training! Pilates! yoga! swimming! - I've lost six pounds and now have arms, abs, and ass of steel. Seriously, it's amazing how cut I am. Bonus: being fit has made me slightly less klutzy. Score!

2. Prepping for cheerleading tryouts, which were two weeks ago. I made the squad, but only because I'm best friends with the captain (Lori). Still not sure how I feel about being a cheerleader. Allison is all, "Isn't this great?" and Kim Tate is all, "Hope you can hack it" (she's still bitter because Lori and I hang out more than she and Lori used to) and my mom is all, "Really? Cheerleading?" and Jack is all, "Whatever makes you happy, dude," and Hannah is all, "I guess I need to find a new babysitter, huh?" (except she said it with a smile so it wasn't nearly as self-absorbed as it looks in print).

3. PROM. Yes, I went to prom. Again. This time with Spencer. Yes, THAT Spencer. Tabitha's ex. Actually, Lori dated him for a while too, but it wasn't any big thang. Anyway, the reason I went to the prom with Spencer was because Lori heard that Tobin was taking some freshman chick with really enormous boobs. So, as a preemptive strike, she found out that Spencer didn't have a date and hooked us up. Lori went with Trip Walters, who's sort of cute in an overtly prepster kind of way, and we split an SUV limo with Allison and her latest boy toy, Joshua Tulley. I wore this cherry-print vintage '50s cocktail dress I found on eBay for $40. It was a mess but Hannah worked her magic and I looked so hot, if I do say so myself.

4. I did land a job at Rita's Water Ice and have been in training for the past week. I'm only making $6 an hour, but having a summer job means I don't have to be on automatic baby duty. I love my niece, but I swear, sometimes I feel more like her second mother! And I'm too young for all that. Anyway, the job is cool and I get free water ice and I get to flirt with all the cute boys who come to the window.

5. School gets out in like 10 days and I had to bust ass to pull up my grades. The breakup with Tobin took its toll, you know. But, I think I'm finishing the year will all A's and B's. I'm even getting a B in gym, thanks to Lori's body makeover plan.

I feel like I'm talking about Lori way too much. But here's the thing: as big a bitch as i used to think she is, once you get to know her - once you're "in" with her - she's so ... I don't know. Magnetic? She makes you feel like the most important person in the world and she's so so so much fun. She's like Tabitha minus the drama. I mean, Lori's got her own drama, but she handles things so differently. I don't know. I'm just enjoying being her friend. Trying new things, meeting new people, feeling like I can be whoever the hell I want to be, instead of who everyone else thinks I should be.

Yeah.

Current Mood: content

At least this is what Lori Pfefferminz tells me.

Apparently, a thin fat person is a person who LOOKS like they're thin, but who has absolutely no muscle tone whatsoever.

Lori said, "I think even your bones are made of jelly!"

So now she's got me on this rigorous exercise plan. A PLAN. Why, you ask?

LORI PFEFFERMINZ WANTS ME TO TRY OUT FOR CHEERLEADING.

Me, the eternal klutz. A cheerleader!

But here's the thing: ever since the fallout with Tabitha and initial breakup from Tobin, I've been hanging out almost entirely with the cheerleaders. Even Kim Tate and I have had a couple of lengthy phone conversations. And it's nice. They're good people. Especially Lori. Once you get past the mean girl crusty parts, she's actually this fluffy teddy bear of love. And she's been so great to me, even when she's calling me "Jell-O butt."

So now I'm doing Tae Bo with Lori three times week, and riding bikes with Jack twice a week (he's put on all the baby weight Hannah's taken off), and Hannah said we should sign up for a weekly Pilates class. I WILL BE SO BUFF. And since Lori's a shoo-in for captain next year, if I do decide to try out for cheerleading, I'll have a leg up (no pun intended).

The one thing I have to say is that I'm enjoying exercise. Like, a lot. Mom says there have been studies that show exercise helps alleviate depression. I don't know that I was all that depressed, but hey - I'm liking how I feel right about now.

Being happy = okay by me.

Current Mood: busy

There will be no further reconciliation between me and Tobin Scacheri. Oh, sure, for thirty seconds I thought there might be one. But no. Not now. Not ever.

I should explain.

Tobin and I were hanging out more, taking things slow, seeing how they went. The whole time, Lori Pfefferminz is telling me I'm being stupid and there are better boys for me and blah blah blah. Finally, I got fed up and said, "What is your problem? Do you still want Tobin all to yourself?" and she snorted and said, "Go ask your friend Tabitha." I didn't like the way it sounded, so I pressed her for more. She said that she was hoping I wouldn't find out but since I was hell bent on throwing my life away (her words) that she was going to have to be the one to tell me. She said that the week after Tobin and I broke up he started hooking up with Tabitha. Not like making out either, but homeruns all around.

Well, I called her a liar. Because hey, she IS Lori Pfefferminz. But something about it made me feel a little sick, so after school I confronted Tobin to ask him if it was true.

He didn't deny it.

I started yelling and crying and he kept saying, "But we'd broken up! What's the big deal?" and I told him if he didn't understand what the big deal was then he was stupider than I thought.

At home I cried for a bit, then asked Jack to drop me off at Lori's house. Which he did. I apologized to her and then spent most of last night crying on her shoulder. I missed American Idol and everything.

How is it that my once mortal enemy is now my most trusted friend?

Lori drove me home just before curfew. My mom was up and I told her everything. EVERYTHING. She got a little teary eyed with me - hey, she loved Tobin too - but she said I did the right thing and that she was truly sorry things weren't working out between us.

I asked her if I could take today off from school - "I need a mental health day," I said - and she agreed. I didn't even have to fight her on it.

So, yeah. It's over. Fully, completely over.

*sigh*

Current Mood: disappointed

I haven't journaled in a while, partly because I feel like I'm under all of this ... I don't know. PRESSURE? It's like everyone wants something from me, whether it's my mom picking up the slack around the house, or Jack and Hannah asking me to take care of Cassidy, or Allison digging at me over and over and over to try out for fall cheerleading. And then there's school, and I'm trying to get hired part-time at Rita's Water Ice so that I'll have a job lined up for summer, and and and

Yeah.

The one thing that's been helping me through all this is - don't laugh - Kelly Clarkson's music. Between "Miss Independent" and "Since U Been Gone" ... well, whenever I start to feel sad or want to cry, I queue up a song and scream-sing it until the moment has passed.

And this was working, for the most part, until yesterday.

Because yesterday was when Tobin came by the house. He didn't even call first - just showed up on my front doorstep, wanting to know if we could talk.

After regaining my ability to breathe, I invited him in. Hannah had just made a batch of fresh-squeezed lemonade, so we took glasses of it and went to sit on the back porch. He told me he missed me a lot, and that he was sorry he'd acted like such an ass about Oliver and the play and everything. He said that he was all confused about the future - scared that he wasn't going to get into a good school, scared that even if he did, he wouldn't know what to do with his life. Then he said that I was his best friend, and that it was because of this I got to bear the brunt of his anger and frustration - including the stuff about sex, which he finally admitted was a direct result of the guys teasing him about dating the vestal virgin (that would be ME).

I was still reeling from shock, unable to speak, when he started talking about last weekend and how he finally had a chance to catch up on TiVo'd episodes of THE OC. I said, "You watch THE OC?" and he said, "Let's keep that on the DL, OK?" Anyway, so he was watching all of these back episodes and he saw the one where Seth went all Spider-Man and Summer left Zack at the airport because she realized she was still in love with Cohen. And I'm nodding and trying to figure out why he's talking about this when he says, "So I figured, if Summer and Cohen could get back together, maybe we could too?"

And I didn't know what to say. Honestly. Part of me was screaming "Yes! Finally!" But another part of me - the one who was just starting to like not having a boyfriend - kept saying, "We're not ready for this."

So I started to cry.

And Tobin put his arms around me and let me snot up his shirt sleeve for a while, and when I was all cried out I said, "I've missed you, too. But I don't know about the you and me thing. Like, what are you asking? That we pick up where we left off?" And he said no, of course not. He said we'd take it slow, see how it feels. Then he asked me if I'd want to go out on a date this Friday. Like a second first date. And I was all prepared to say no, but then I got all warm and tingly, and I knew that I had to say yes. It's what I wanted, even if I didn't want to want it.

So, we're going out on Friday. I asked him not to call me between now and then, because I still need time to sort things out. And I have to do it by myself now, because all Allison says is, "Oh, cool! You'll get to go to Prom again!" and Tabitha still isn't talking to me and Hannah and Jack and my mom are all too busy to listen to my romantic woes. It's been so dire I've actually thought about calling Lori Pfefferminz and asking HER for advice. Talk about nuts!

Anyway, yeah. That's where I'm at.

If I don't update this journal immediately, or even over the next several weeks, just know that I'm processing things and trying to make them make sense. And please don't send me messages asking me how I'm doing, because that causes the whole PRESSURE thing that I'm trying to avoid. Finally, please please please don't send messages to my friend Lara, either, demanding her to UPDATE, PLEASE!!! Because you know, she works really, really hard, and it upsets her when people think it's easy, keeping up the journal of a fictional person who lives almost entirely inside her own head. It's not easy for her. It's actually really, really hard. Writing in general is hard, and all she asks is that you have a little respect for the process, for her busy schedule, and for her desire to have some semblance of a life outside the world of books. (We both thank you in advance.)

Current Mood: pensive
Current Music: Kelly Clarkson - Since U Been Gone

It snowed last night, and at first they were predicting major snow, so I thought maybe - maybe - we wouldn't have school. No such luck. When I woke up and realized we weren't even getting a two-hour delay, I sat on the end of my bed and cried and cried. I hate going to school anymore. The gossip has basically stopped, but Tabitha's still not talking to me and Tobin won't even look at me. And as close as Ally and I used to be ... she's different now. We're all different now.

You want to hear something funny? I actually think I'm starting to like Lori Pfefferminz. I mean, she's still totally wicked, but it's like, if you're on her side, it's a fun kind of wicked. Plus she's been really nice to me for some reason. Well, as nice as Lori Pfefferminz can be.

As much as I dislike school, weekends are worse. It's not the not having a boyfriend part, although that's not great either. But it's like, I lost BOTH of my best friends at the exact same time. And I think I could handle the breakup with Tobin if Tabitha hadn't abandoned me.

It's really Oliver's fault, if you think about.

In other news, there's something really weird going on with Hannah. I don't know what it is. She's less mopey and stuff, but she's still totally withdrawn. I asked my mom if she knew what was going on and she said no convincingly enough that I believed her.

Just another thing to worry about, right?

Current Mood: depressed

Semi-humorous subject heading aside, I can't stop shaking.

Tobin was just here. In my house. We haven't talked at all since the night of the cast party, despite me leaving fifty thousand messages. But then today, around 3:30, he shows up.

Just like that.

He asked if we could talk some place private, so we ended up in the basement (aka my bedroom). He sat on my desk chair and I sat on the edge of my bed. He didn't say anything at first, just sat there looking at his shoes.

Finally, he said, "Sorry I never called you back."

And I said, "It's okay," even though it isn't.

And he said, "This doesn't change anything, but here." And he hands me this box wrapped in silver paper.

I asked him what it was for and he said, "Duh. Today's Valentine's Day." And I could literally feel the blood drain from my face. I said, "I didn't get you anything."

But all he said in return was, "Just open it."

So I did.

It was a pink iPod mini.

Before I could say anything he told me he bought it a month ago, right before we broke up, and after "that night" he tried to return it but since he'd already loaded music on there AND since the thing worked just fine, Best Buy wouldn't take it back. I asked him why he just didn't keep it for himself and he said because it was pink and girly, and then I asked him why he didn't at least try to sell it on eBay and he got all angry and said, "Because I didn't want to, okay? Jesus, just take the damned thing."

I started to cry, and I have expected Tobin to hug me or say something sweet but he didn't do either. When I finally looked up I realized he was on the verge of crying too.

I told him there wasn't anything going on between me and Oliver, and he said he knew. Then he said, "It was never really about him, Luce."

And it's true. It wasn't. Tobin and I had been growing apart for a while. It's like last Friday's episode of Joan of Arcadia, where Joan's mom goes, "Young love isn't meant to last forever."

And I wanted to tell him about the episode but I was afraid he'd think I was stupid. So I didn't. But then he said, "I always thought I'd be your first."

And I said, "My what?"

And he said, "You know. Your first."

And I said, "Oh, but you were. I mean, not in the way you wanted to be. But you were my first kiss, my first date, my first love. You'll always be those things to me. Forever and ever."

This is when he really started to cry.

I put the iPod on the mattress and went over to him. He turned away from me but I hugged him anyway. Eventually he hugged me back and then we just held each other for a while. Then he whispered, "It doesn't have to be over, does it?"

And I must've thought about it for a second too long, because before I could answer Tobin pushed me away and said, "Never mind."

He started up the stairs without even saying goodbye. I could've called out, "Wait!" or something like that, but I didn't.

I could've stopped him.

But I didn't.

I waited a few minutes before turning the iPod on. There were several pre-loaded playlists with names like, "Biscuit Has a Bad Day" (funny songs) and "I Love Lucy" (romantic relationshippy songs). That's when I really started to bawl. I put the headphones in and listened to the "I Love Lucy" mix twice through before the ache in my chest got to be more than I could handle.

It made me think of last year, when Tabitha broke up with her long distance boyfriend Elliot and then sobbed about it for days. I didn't understand how you could be the breaker-upper and still feel so sad. But now I do. I wish I could call Tab and tell her that I get it now, but she's still not talking to me and I doubt she will any time soon.

Must go cry some more.

Current Mood: depressed

1. I'm back to taking the bus to school, as Tobin will not even look at me, let alone speak to me or give me rides.

2. I now eat lunch with Allison and a bunch of her cheerleader friends, including Lori Pfefferminz, who surprised me on Friday by saying she thought Tobin was acting like a jackass. The warm fuzzies lasted a split second, because then she said, "Everyone knows you're a total tease ... if you wouldn't give it up for Tobin, you certainly aren't going to give it up for the oily drama king."

3. Oliver has been semi-stalking me and to make it stop my mom called his mom, but his mom said, "I don't get involved in my son's social life, lady," and my mom said, "Maybe you should," and Oliver's mom said, "Don't tell me how to raise my kid!" and then my mom said, "If your kid doesn't stop coming around here we're filing a restraining order!" I thought that last part was a little much, but I was happy that my mom stuck up for me.

4. Tabitha dropped a big bag of my stuff she'd borrowed over the years off at my house yesterday. She told Jack to tell me she wanted her stuff back, too. Jack said, "Uh, she's right here," but Tabitha said, "I don't want to speak to that slut," to which Jack replied, "You've got some nerve, you little whore," and slammed the door on her face.

5. People are still talking about what supposedly happened between me and Oliver, but not as much as before. Also it's only the sophomore through senior contingent and mostly white kids at that. The black kids seem to be having their own form of drama - from what I hear, Darnella Jones got caught making out with her boyfriend's brother. It doesn't sound like a big deal, but her boyfriend is Tyrell Davis - an all-star quarterback with a free ride to Penn State - and when he found out he busted up his brother so bad the kid had to get his nose reset by a doctor. At least my drama doesn't have a body count.


It has to get better at some point, right?

Current Mood: sad